Effective interpersonal arguers also need to develop their listening skills and especially their capacity for empathic listening. It is often difficult in an argumentative situation--when our aggressive instincts are at work, when our energy level is high, and when our creative strategic senses are agitated--for us to listen at all, let alone to engage in empathic listening. Yet the most effective interpersonal arguers are those who have precisely this capability.
Instead of listening to other with a focus on refuting their ideas, empathic listener seek to genuinely understand where their fellow arguers are coming from-- what they are telling in their stories and in the arguments that they are presenting. Empathic listeners are tolerant and patient; they allow others to develop their positions; and they give these positions careful consideration before forming their response to them.
Empathic listeners are more likely to find ways to compromise because they are less likely to speak without thinking and thus to say things that they later come to regret. Empathic listeners allow themselves more time to carefully and strategically weight their responses to arguments because they carefully consider the arguments made by other in the context of their search for a larger and more complete and compelling narrative.
Nevertheless, thise type of listening can be hard work, especially when we are distracted. There are also listening barriers such as laziness, closed-mindedness, insincerity, and boredom. Listeners should expend the energy to be attentive and to overcome their distractions and also learn how to control their own emotions.
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